she asked the date of our next appointment  , and after i checked my trusty blackberry, i told her 2/10.  and then i went on to say that i’d like to hold off scheduling any further appointments until February, as i think i’m ready to cut back to once a month.  she was thrilled, as she’d been thinking that as well.

the past few weeks, going Seroquel-less, have been really great.  i seem to have regained my creativity, have a 1000 ideas for projects i’d like to start.  my sense of humor has also returned.  yay all around.

but today, for some reason, i’m really struggling.  i’m seemingly on the edge of tears a good part of my time. it came out of nowhere.  i’m trying to plow my way through work, and hoping it goes back from whence it came.

3 visits to the ER in the span of a week (Emergency Physician Bills): 3 x 351.00 = $1053.00

3 visits to the ER in the span of a week (Hospital Charges) 3 x 217.00 = $651.00

1 emergency consultation by MyTherapyCenter at the ER : 1 x $150.00  (note: there were actually two, but i was not charged for the second)

deductible for 6 day inpatient stay at the Behavioral Hospital: $2700.00

intake visit at MyTherapyCenter upon discharge from Hospital: $125.00

approx 15 visits to MyTherapyCenter (includes Therapy & Dr. Bat) at $40 a pop: $600

medication: 4 months @ $35, 1 month @ $52 = $190

grand total: $5469.00

if my employer hadn’t used my vacation time and covered my “recovery” week (out of the hospital, but trying to acclimate to being on the “outside”), i would have been up shit creek for regular household bills & rent.

the bills started rolling in about two days after i returned home from the Behavioral Hospital.  it took me about six weeks to be able to look at them.  they stacked up neatly on the corner of the coffee table, until one day the cat’s tail lightly brushed by and they fell in an avalanche.

“honey, you’re going to have to start taking care of these” my husband murmured.

and i started to cry.

i sputtered, sobbing that it was too much.  that i knew that this stack of paperwork needed to be handled, but that i just couldn’t bear it.  that it was unfair.  and then i cried some more.

the following week i put my Big Girl Pants on, took a deep breath, and started opening the envelopes.

oh RIGHT.

1) i’m OFF THE SEROQUEL.  how stoked am i?  (and how stoked is my husband?)  i met with Dr. Bat about 2 weeks ago for our monthly soiree, and she said that yes, indeed, i could discontinue it.  so i pulled the remaining pills from my bag and slapped them on her desk.  i asked her if it was okay to go “cold turkey” and she nodded.  LIAR. i didn’t sleep for three days.  for real.  i had stopped drinking coffee and everything.  another positive upshot from my appointment with Dr. Bat is she (begrudgingly it seems) said that i’m probably not bipolar.  ya THINK?  i got a good chuckle from that.  i have a boatload of blood work to get done, however, and it includes fasting.  boo.

2) even though my anxiety is still pretty high and i’ve had some small incidents of panic attacks, she didn’t change the Neurontin or the Celexa, but added Wellbutrin (which i’ve been on several times over the years, but in a different cocktail).  its only been about 2 weeks, so i’m not really noticing anything different.

3) because the Seroquel Monster is dead & buried, my husband is ridiculously happy to “have his wife back”.  our relationship has improved dramatically recently.

4) my boss announced to me yesterday that she wants me to travel to NY for a day trip/work thing.  NEXT WEEK.  i’m not looking forward to it.  i’ve never been interested in City Life, and i’m anxious just thinking about it, as i’ll be travelling alone and meeting up with them at the venue.  i felt a little railroaded into having to go, which again, makes me uneasy.  plus, i appreciate some warning.

5) things are going well with my therapist.  we’re at a point where i’m probably going to make our visits once a month, and not every two weeks.  while i’m not out of the woods, i’m definitely out of crisis mode.

am i happy?  i dunno.  i’m not crying, or overly sad, or feeling depressed at the moment.  quite frankly, i’m still really lethargic, forgetful and unmotivated.  more like a holding pattern of status quo.

(for the two, possibly three, people reading…i’m sorry for the delay in posting.  won’t happen again.  pinky swear.)

it hasn’t been all bad, all things considered.

true, i did have a Big Hairy Nervous Breakdown, but the upshot to that is that i’m getting the help that i need.  help that i’ve needed for a long time and just couldn’t admit.

i’ve grown a lot as a person, despite some devastating personal blows.

and we march on.  because that’s what you do.

all the best for 2010.

we stopped by the “pharmacy”, so i could pick up more Seroquel to get me through to my appointment with Dr. Bat next monday.  while i was standing in the hall, admiring the nurses wicked new heels, i saw a golem like creature from the corner of my eye, in a room across the hall.  it was Fruitcake.

Fruitcake and i were kinda-sorta friends for a summer about 5 years ago.  our husbands work together, in a way, at the same restaurant.  she’s about 15 years my senior and a little wacko.  i knew this, even when we were friendly, but she seemed benign enough, all things considered.

it took me a moment to register who it was.  she leaned out of the door and hissed “i love you”, pointing at me.

“um, hey Fruitcake, how’s it going?”

and i about-faced and turned down the hall, a little shaken, my therapist keeping in step beside me, apologizing all the way.

“fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” i breathed.

my therapist, again, apologizing.

i told her there was nothing to apologize for, that i’m surprised i hadn’t run into anyone i knew sooner, considering where i live is tiny and incestuous on many levels.

but for the love of the FSM, doesn’t she know about Seeing People You Know at The Therapy Center?  like, did she really need to make a spectacle of herself (and me in the process), creating a really awkward situation?

i’m not looking forward to the “friend request” that will no doubt follow.

the pendulum has swung massively in the Unpleasant Direction.

if i wasn’t at work right now, i’d be crying my head off.  nothing has “happened”, no “trigger”.  i just feel increasing “low”, depressed.  how the hell can i feel this shitty when i’m eating all of this medication? and that’s not a happy question either, which increases my anxiety.

oh wait, i AM crying.

i see Dr. Bat tomorrow for our regularly scheduled visit. i know i have to tell her this stuff, for my own sake.  i’ve been clockwatching until my next medication doses, which clearly don’t seem to do much of much.  not even the Seroquel.

i feel crazy.  and that’s the scariest feeling of them all.

“think about how much coffee you drank today.”

i was shocked and a little grossed out to discover that i’d ingested 86 ounces.  without a thought.  so much for “adjusting”.

i’ve now been taking the Seroquel in split doses for about two weeks.  i don’t have that squirrely feeling in the afternoons anymore, which is rather nice.

but the big changes are in my approach to others.  as i remarked to my therapist last week, its like i’ve “grown a pair”.

“how alarming for your husband”, she quipped back.

throughout my life, i’ve been stymied in all relationships and dealings with others by being afraid to hurt the other person’s feelings or making them angry.  needless to say, its been detrimental, my inability to speak my mind.

in the past few weeks i’ve been able to belly up, so to speak, to some folks in my life.  and only good has come from it.  i’m not so much afraid of their reactions, that they’ll stop loving/liking me.  and it’s all been positive and not-so-scary.

whee.

i’ve had a headache, perpetual and sharp, for about 10 days, along with the pain in the neck.  i haven’t had it since i went into the Behavioral Hospital.  i thought the Neurontin was taking care of that.  i thought wrong, i guess.

i’m not nearly as sluglike as previously reported, but i’m drinking a LOT of coffee to compensate.

“you’re going to put on weight”, Dr. Bat said to me last week.  “and its going to come fast”.

so.  holiday eating weight? Seroquel weight? mid cycle bloat?  wtf?

i’m pissy and agitated, CLEARLY, at the moment.  but there have been good effects as well.  i’ve been able to make a stand with some folks, and the outcome has been favorable in all cases.  maybe i’m a little more mouthy, a little less likely to be a doormat.

interesting note: i’ve always had a little bit of a stutter/lisp thing.  it seems to have disappeared.  fancy THAT.

at 12:35 i was yawning and on my way home from work.  i had given my boss the heads up that my meds had changed slightly, and that if i was unsteady on my feet or seem to have a big case of The Stupids, there was a reason.

i’m beginning to really hate it, the Seroquel.

i spent all afternoon crashed on the couch, spaced out on the xb0x, playing a certain colorful puzzle game and housing my husband’s high scores.

at 5pm i took 50 more mg.  and was asleep by 6.  it’s increasingly difficult for me to wake up.  normally, before this charming addition to my medication, i would get up at 230am and was in the office by 4am.  this was normal, and has been for about 5 years.  this morning i didn’t even wake up until 430.  the small upside this situation is that i’m calm enough to not get stressed about “being late” for work.

i’m leery about driving and thank a deity that i don’t operate heavy machinery for a living.

unfortunately, the Neurontin doesn’t seem to be taking care of the pain in my neck as it previously did.  i’m chalking it up to a serious increase in my stress level.

i’m vaguely dissatisfied.  but what else is new?

she rolled through my file, asking me the same silly questions, mostly musing aloud.

“who put you on the Neurontin and why?”

“we have you diagnosed as Depressed, but there may be something more… i’m thinking bi-polar”.

i sighed loudly.

“that bothers you doesn’t it?”

“it bothers me that you keep saying it each time i see you” i retorted.

as i spoke about the past month, side effects and symptoms she asked me if i was depressed.

i laughed and pointed at the DSM code on my sheet.  “well, according to this i am”.

she narrowed her eyes at me.  “are you depressed RIGHT NOW?”

i explained that i’m extremely stressed, given the time of year, my occupation and other extenuating situations.

she mused for a few minutes, trying to figure a way to alter my medication.  for a moment, she wanted to switch out the Neurontin for Klonopin, but i talked her out of that one.  Klonopin makes me a fucking zombie, i know this already.

i’m still on 100 mg of Seroquel, but we’ve now split the dose.  instead of the full 100 at 5pm, i’m now to take 50mg at noon when i take the 100mg of Neurontin and the other 50 at 5pm with my last dose of Neurontin.

i suspect i should be a little weird around 1pm.  stay tuned.